SyFy Takes The U.S. By Sharknado

Pools are all open, fireworks light up the night skies and BBQ can constantly be smelt from sea to shining sea. Summer is in full swing. Yet, as is customary, come the latter half of July you will begin to feel a certain buzz in the air. A feeling of anticipation and preparation that could only mean one thing; Shark Week is fast approaching. The Discovery Channel staple has been going strong since 1987 and doesn’t seem to be losing any steam. Not until the night of Thursday July 12, 2013 that is.

SyFy did what!? Me being in this fake shark's mouth looks pretty stupid now, huh?

SyFy did what!? Shit…

As many coastal-dwelling Americans know, this is prime season for shark sightings in the shallows that surround this great land. They have always been aware of the dangers lurking in the deep and how to deal with them if need be. Those of us who are landlocked in the heart of America, on the other hand, ne’er gave much thought to the prospect of dealing with shark attacks outside of vacations to the beach. Even then, I assume that if attacked one would be provided with some of that shark repellant spray that Batman used in ’66. I assume it is readily available at Wal-Mart next to the sunscreen and jellyfish sting spray (which smells suspiciously of urine).

Big Daddy

How much ya need!? He’ll measure it on the wall for ya!!

Yet, just as Steven Spielberg made the baby boomers afraid to get into the water with his blockbuster Jaws, so too has The SyFy Channel and Thunder Levin made us millenials afraid to walk/ run/ sit or any other means of traversing the earth with Sharknado.

Jaws

Guys! He’s fake! See!?…It’s that damn John Williams music you’re scared of!

Yeah, you read that right. If you have not heard of this epic made-for-TV film go to your DVR now and record its next airing. No, don’t keep reading! Go record it!…..I’ll wait….

Now watch the Trailer..

Hollywood has given us quotable and timeless classics such as Twister, Jaws, The Perfect Storm and Piranhas in 3D.

SyFy seems to have beaten Hollywood to the punch and took the next [il]logical step in the natural-disasters-having-to-do-with-animals-somehow genre and released Sharknado, (which is clearly the only place one can go from a film which shows Piranhas [SPOILER ALERT] eating the breasts off of a bikini clad model; in 3D no less.

Fish are perverts. Just ask Kanye...

Fish are perverts. Just ask Kanye…

As Twitter blew up like a [SPOILER ALERT] tornado that just got a bomb thrown into it from a helicopter , it became clear that we were not just dealing with a movie that proudly sports a script of dialogue that was either written by a 12 year old who just discovered the Adam West Batman TV series on TV Land or the guys from Adult Swim’s NTSF:SD:SUV. The film is comparable to a car crash that is just so large and gruesome that you can’t help but stare at it in awe. No, better yet, take that same car crash and have a train being driven by Steven Segal carrying hundreds of pounds of C4 bulldoze into it while at full speed. That is almost comparable to the pure campy genius of Sharknado.

Psst, call me first next time numbnuts. I'm an excellent sushi chef.

Psst, call me first next time numbnuts. I’m an excellent sushi chef…with my hands.

Tara Reid’s star will surely be back on the rise again after her stellar performance as the mother of two kids who seem to be only seven or eight years younger than her. (You do the math…yeah, weird right?)

Wait, I'm playing the MOM?!!! Do I look that old?..Guys?...

Wait, I’m playing the MOM?!!! Do I look that old?…Guys?…GUYS!?…

 

Now no one is safe. What will this earth encounter next? Is Sharknado a warning of our impending Judgement Day? Or is this just another SyFy movie that will end up on Mystery Science Theater 3000?

Some films are destined for greatness.

Some films are destined for greatness.

All we know for sure is that Shark Week has its work cut out for it this year. With Sharknado lurking in the water [ and air], one can’t be too careful. Let’s just hope no more Grandpas are lost to these blood thirsty killers.

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