10 Steps to Becoming Keith Hernandez

In preparation for the upcoming 2013 MLB Season, I decided to answer some of the Keith Hernadez fanmail questions I have gotten from Cardinals fans in the offseason.

zoomkeithinterview

Me, as Keith Hernandez, being interviewed after NLCS game 3 last year. I never broke character. Take notes students…

One question that came from the 314 that I felt needed to be addressed was the following, “Yo Keith!  Loved seeing you roaming Busch Stadium during the playoffs this year [2012].  How do you go about becoming Keith Hernandez and where did you get your getup!?” – Ryan K******

Well Ryan, in order to really become Keith Hernandez one cannot simply dress like him.  One must become Keith Hernandez. Eat. Breathe. Drink. Smoke…like the ’79 MVP (and don’t ever bring up Willie Stargell’s name!) I felt the best way to answer your question was to give you, and the rest of Cardinal Nation, a step by step insight into becoming “Mex” – a.k.a. Keith Hernandez. 

10 Steps to Becoming a Great Keith Hernandez

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  1. Grow a Mustache. (if you can’t do this, then give up – there is no hope for you…I’m looking at you Derek Holland. )

    "Guys, I look so intimidating with this sick stache."

    Guys, my mustache is awesome isn’t it!…..Right?…….Guys?…

  2. Procure your uncle Ken Sanders’s powder blue pants from his days with the Twins in ’73. (if you don’t have an uncle Ken Sanders, this step could prove difficult.)

    I won the 1971 Fireman of the Year Award...what did you do in the Majors?..Yeah, that's what I thought.

    I won the 1971 Fireman of the Year Award…What did you do in the Majors?..Yeah, that’s what I thought.

  3. Find a local Italian tailor who speaks broken English and is at least 70 years old and legally blind to make, and sew on the name and numbers. (Don’t talk about anything Irish…JUST DON’T, OK? Trust me on this one.)

    -insert yelling with a lot of vowels and slurs-

    The yelling with a lot of vowels and slurs is worth the craftsmanship.

  4. Smoke cigarettes. NO, chain smoke cigarettes, and do it constantly. No time or place is off limits. Church. Grocery Store. The Dugout. On the Toilet. (Remember, you are trying to mold yourself in His likeness and image. Oh? You don’t smoke? Too bad, neither did I. I didn’t say it would be easy or healthy.)

    I could smoke a pack of these and still beat you in a foot race. Try me.

    I could smoke a pack of these and still beat you in a foot race. Try me.

  5. Get in a time machine and snag some Cardinals striped stirrups from the Cardinals equipment manager in the 80’s (if you don’t have a time machine, then just get some red stirrups and use masking tape to create the crude illusion of real stirrups – or call Doc Brown with some Plutonium…whatever is easiest.)

    It's not the name on the back, it's the stripes on the stirrups.

    It’s not the name on the back, it’s the stripes on the stirrups.

  6. Drink a 12 pack of Busch Bavarian shirtless in a lawn chair and tiny swim trunks while smoking only one cigarette that you keep stuck on your lip. (THIS IS CRUCIAL- many have spent years on getting step 6 right!  I mean, not me, I was a natural.)

    What did I just say Clint! Get it together! Nice PBR hipster.

    What did I just say Clint! Get it together! Keep talking to that empty chair next to you though, we’re all enjoying it….

  7. After completing step 6 above, practice driving to and from Busch listening to a cassette (it has to be a cassette)  of Keith Hernandez reading his book Pure Baseball while simultaneously listening to XXX via a Walkman with one headphone on.

    You know you're skilled when you can fast forward to Chapter 7 on the first try. That's right kids, these existed

    You know you’re skilled when you can fast forward to Chapter 7 on the first try.

  8. Learn to hit with power from the left side of the plate. You will be asked to test your skills (even if you are naturally right handed like me). I was after Opening Day 2012 by those sports nuts over at LockerDome.  Click HERE to watch Keith being Keith droppin bombs at Lockerdome.)                   cardinals
  9. Never, under any circumstance, break character.  Don’t answer to the name that your parents gave you while in the uniform. Wearing Keith Hernandez’s uniform is an honor and a privelage that can be taken away at any second by the baseball gods. You answer only to Keith, Hernandez, Keith Hernandez, MVP, or Mr. Hernandez. You don’t see Batman answering to Bruce Wayne do you??

    "Call me Bruce one more time......."

    “Call me Bruce one more time…….”

  10. Finally, and perhaps the most important rule after Rule 1; Know Keith Hernandez, Cardinals and Seinfeld stats and history backwards and forwards. People will test you. I’ve been asked about my MVP year, how good Elaine Benes was in bed, and while waiting in line for the bathroom a guy even walked past me and yelled, “Nice game pretty boy!” Being a Seinfeld fanatic, I thoroughly enjoyed that last one. A Keith Hernandez without knowledge of his own accomplishments and cultural references is nothing more than an idiot who has a costume fetish…

“For God’s sake! You’re Keith Hernandez!! You’re a baseball player damnit! You won the MVP in ’79, you can do whatever you want to!”

Disclaimer: This post is a satire and for comedy purposes. I do not endorse smoking cigarettes or drinking alcohol. I DO endorse growing mustaches and being a Cardinals fan.

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2 thoughts on “10 Steps to Becoming Keith Hernandez

  1. Keith….I mean Dom,
    You are so creative, witty and talented in many, many ways…a real “diamond” in the rough!
    Love ya forever,
    Deb

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